I’ve only just gotten started but I can already say that becoming a parent is the biggest transition you can imagine. Moving away for college, losing your virginity, and your first kiss all pail in comparison to how life changing this event is.
Normally you lean on your support systems heavily during these difficult times but its making me realize how poor my existing support systems are. They weren’t equipped to handle a shock like this. The friends with kids that I do have all have kids half his age and its really a completely different sport they are playing over there.
I think this is happening to a lot of people in our position. And that is why the corona virus is such a one-two punch to the gut for us. A lot of new parents need more help and thats why they reach out to strangers to babysit. It’s also why they build relationships to teachers who spend even more time with your kid than you do. You make friends with your kid’s friend’s parents. All these people, “the avengers assembled”.
But one of the hardest things about this virus something that I don’t think I’ve seen anyone talking about is loneliness in the time of corona. Even those of us who started out as superhero’s are knocked on their backs when we first have kids, but they quickly build up new support systems to help them get through it. Mommy and me class friends and stuff like that.
But there is no mommy and me classes right now, there are no school dances or church services. There’s just the three of us, starting at each other, wondering what to do.
Reading this all back, it sounds darker than it feels. Overall I’d actually argue I’m at least 10% happier, AFTER he got here. Most of the shit that’s weighing on me is exactly the same shit I got sad about before he got here. There’s some new worries in their too, but if I’m being honest, those don’t make up more than 5% of the problem. And there’s some really intense joy in there too I know its not solved all your problems but he can be a lot of fun to be around sometimes.
For a lot of us a huge part of the shock comes from spent that last 10 years growing further and further away from anything resembling a social life, and honestly starting being ok with that. To then be thrown into this world where you have to fight to find time to be alone. It really makes you start to value it a lot more.
It’s really this increased value put on your own time thats really exciting. I went from going to bed a little bit bored to falling asleep exhausted every night with more and more to do with every minute of everyday. That sounds pretty great to me.
I think thats a great way to describe what I have been looking for for years, a way to flip the switch in my head so its generally excited to wake up in the morning and cease the day! That doesn't mean every moment of the day is orgasmic but it does mean the good moments feel worth working for.
And that gets at what is really so scary about being a parent. I graduated from college, I own my apartment, I’m married, I’ve accomplished a lot of stuff in my life. But that doesn’t mean I know the first thing about how to make yourself happy and how to lead a fulfilling life. How now I am expected to teach this little shit right from wrong? What the fuck do I know, why the hell should he listen to me?
As you can probably tell from my grammar even writing like this is knew to me. I’ve journaled privately on on off (mostly off) for years but never with the intention of anyone ever reading them.
Sure it feels like its to late and I’ll never catch up to where I need to be to be a successful, but is it really? I’ve only been doing this for 6 months now and we are in the middle of a global pandemic. I’m feeling pretty solid considering all the chaos that hit us at once.
I remember reading that people who write out the things they want to get done tomorrow fall asleep faster and sleep more soundly so why not try that here.
- Tomorrow we have therapy, oh boy, and then heading to Coney Island which I’m really excited about!
- Dinner is Amy’s pasta so nothing to worry about there
- Maybe I should also try and finish boxing out the window tomorrow. I know I’ve been trying to relax and take it easy but it shouldnt take to long to finish it off.